Today I stood in my daughter’s room and cried.

My little girl is growing up. Faster than I can get used to the idea. It’s Monday, and she’ll be going to her dad’s tonight for the week. I like having her here at my place and desperately wish she could stay with me all the time. I sometimes just stand in her room and smell the air. It smells like she does – loud music, smiling braces, and rolling eyes. I imagine her at her desk doing her homework to some kind of noise that I can’t possibly discern. Even our cat misses her when she’s away and sleeps on her bed.

I love that she’s turning into an honest, caring, amazing woman. I’m not so happy about having to leave behind the baby that I love so much. What I wouldn’t give to have just an hour with her as a toddler again or to see her as the spunky 6 year old that she was.

Our apartment was broken into a little over two years ago and the person took my video camera with all of the videos of her as a baby and toddler – her first soccer game, her first holiday, her four year old laugh. To this day, my heart aches to think about not being able to see those home movies again and not hearing her sweet little voice.

I have often thought to myself that I would do so much differently. I would be more loving, more attentive, more available. I would be a better mom.

But then I soon realize that this is just my old negativity talking. I know I did the best I could have done. I was and am the best mom I know how to be. I’m noticing that I have these thoughts and sad feelings and am ok with my process of letting go. After all, I am human and I am a mother. I’m going through a normal re-shifting of my definition of myself and my relationship to my kid. The word that comes to me is compassion. Maybe we all could use a little more of that.

My daughter recently had her 14th birthday which was a lot fun. Another sign of her growing up.

In the past we’ve done big parties or gone on adventures – last year we took several of her friends to the Griffith Observatory and it was great. This year, she wanted just a few of her friends to come over and “hang out.” She invited three girls and two boys.

It dawned on me as I was looking at all the kids that this year marked a change in all the parties she would have from now on. We didn’t have any activities or games planned, didn’t serve pizza, didn’t give out party favors, and she wanted to make her own cake. I found myself thinking that I actually missed the Chuck-E-Cheese, bowling, and Skateland parties. I missed the many opportunities to take a million pictures of her sweet, metal-filled smile.  When I tried to take a few pictures of her at this year’s birthday, I got her to agree only because I prefaced the request with, “Come on, let me be a mom for 20 seconds.” She thankfully took pity on me.

They hung out, laughed, and one girl texted her boyfriend the whole time – boyfriend?? We’ll save that for another post.

I really enjoyed having her friends over and laughing with all of them. (I should mention that her dad was there too with his wife, who I just love.) We’ll see what 15 brings…

So, I’m very new to all of this blogging stuff and I think it’s perfect, because I’m new also at being the mom of a teenager. She’s now 13, and I realize that this has been a real struggle for me – the fact that she’s growing up. Not so much because I don’t want her to, but because as a teenager, I hated my parents. And I mean hated them.

I’ve always felt really comfortable caring for young children. I know what to do, how to handle myself and them, and just have overall sense of confidence when around the younger kids. As my daughter started heading towards 13, I was freaking out. I talked about it in therapy, to my friends, to my boyfriend, anyone that would listen. How in the world was I going to cope with this? What was I going to do? All of a sudden I felt completely inept at parenting and was terrified. All of my unresolved teen stuff was coming up for me to look at and heal.

What I quickly found when talking to people about my feelings is that they usually fell into two groups. Most folks I conversed with said the usual, “You’re little baby is going to turn into a monster and you’re not going to recognize her.” Or some version of that. One woman said to me, “I told my daughter that her only job is to get through the next few years alive.” These are the people that believe being a teenager sucks and their sole purpose is to make their parents miserable. Call me naive, but I have a few more expectations for my kid.

Then there was a smaller group (which I’m trying to belong to) which believe that the teenage years are a time of potential and exciting growth. These people encouraged me to hold a more positive focus and vision for my experience with my daughter during this time. Life doesn’t have to be hard, and I don’t have to expect that WWIII will erupt in my home during the next couple of years.

What didn’t help me was all the studies and research I had read on teens, technology, and behavior. Not only is being a teen challenging, but add to that email, texting, instant messaging, cell phones, the internet, myspace, and a thousand other distractions. I didn’t have any of this growing up, and it’s tough for me to relate. For example, why can’t my daughter just pick up the phone and call her friend to ask her a question?? “No, mom. No one does that. We just text.” Have any of you seen your child have a fight via texting? It’s just weird.

I am convinced that too much of all of this technology is not a good thing and I’m finding it challenging to balance family interaction time with my daughter’s want to be on the computer.

Just a few beginning thoughts. More to come. Feel free to pitch in.